|This article contains information original to the novel Fable: Blood Ties, which is a licensed Fable work, but does not necessarily conform to Lionhead's Fable canon.|
|Type||(Fable III only)|
|Related Quests||Gnomes are Great!|
Gnomes are Evil!
- "You want to know what I like most about people? They die!"
- — A gnome
Gnomes are the Fable III version of the Gargoyles. There are 50 total throughout Albion. They were originally owned by Brian and are first seen in the quest Gnomes are Great! You need to bring an old gargoyle to Brian so he could bring them to life.
After they first come to life, the gnomes will offer good advice compared to the gargoyles insults. However, they soon run away and you have to get them back in the quest Gnomes are Evil!
From here on the gnomes will insult you whenever you pass by (their insults are much harsher and funnier than their gargoyle predecessors). Their appearance also becomes more menacing. Whenever you shoot a gnome, it will be sent back to Brian.
CANONICITY WARNING: The following information is derived from Fable: Blood Ties.
Gnomes populated Albion before any other known creatures. When humans began to populate Albion, gnomes did not approve of the way humans used Albion for war and selfish purposes. They first started to negotiate with the humans, but when that didn't work they started to insult the humans and became widely hunted and thought of as a nuisance. Only the most clever gnomes managed to survive. Later a powerful nameless wizard cursed every gnome in Albion to remain in an unanimated state, able to see everything but could do nothing about it. There were only 50 gnomes left during this time. Brian collected all of them and accidentally let them loose.
When close to a gnome, they will shout things at you. These can range from helpful to downright insulting:
(Note that they only give good advice at the end of Gnomes are Great!, afterwards, when they turn evil and scatter around the world of the Gnomes are Evil! quest, they'll only insult you in various ways.)
- "Always look both ways before crossing a road."
- "You should never move an injured person."
- "Eat your vegetables."
- "Don't play with matches."
- "Never leave home without a hat."
- "Start every day with a healthy breakfast."
- "Never eat wild mushrooms. They could be toadstools."
- "Sure is a beautiful day... Except where you're standing!"
- "I feel like celebrating today. Because today's the day you die!"
- "Seeing you brings back memories... Of wanting my eyes gouged out!"
- "You know what I like most about people? They die."
- "I sensed your presence before you even arrived. What did you EAT?!"
- "Ha! [laugh] You're funny. But looks aren't everything."
- "I'd like to get to know someone like you... And then drown them!"
- "I've said it before and I'll say it again — I hate you."
- "I was hoping you'd come 'round. I could use a good laugh."
- "I'm not like those mean gnomes. I'm a million times worse."
- "You should go somewhere nice and peaceful. Like a CEMETERY!"
- "I can't decide if I like your looks or your personality better — it's like comparing mud to sewage."
- "Sometimes I just want someone to talk to. And sometimes I want someone to kick in the crotch!"
- "Excuse me, do you have the time... To get stuffed?!"
- "Winter's my favourite season. I love the snow. And that's when most people die!"
- "If I had a friend like you, I could tell them secrets. Like that I'm going to set you on fire."
- "If it were up to me, no one would ever get sick. They'd just die, starting with YOU!"
- "Oh, I didn't notice you there. How d'you like being so insignificant?"
- "We could be best friends, if I liked people with an arse for a face!"
- "I could help you find what you're looking for. Step one: Pull your head out your arse!"
- "My favourite things are music and sunshine and love. And pain."
- "It's a great day to be alive! And a better day to kill!"
- "Are you lost? Can I help you starve and die?"
- "Those are nice shoes, but don't you think your gran's feet are cold without them?!"
- "Philosophers tell us that there are those who create, those who destroy... And those who are wankers, like you."
- "You remind me of an old friend...He was a twit! Just like you!"
- "There's our noble hero. Our big, fat, STUPID, UGLY noble hero."
- "Oh you are sweet. Like a bloody great TART!"
- "Here comes the one who will save the land. Ha! I say, let it burn!"
- "When people tell you you're good, they mean you're a goody-two-shoes. When they say I'm good, they mean I'm a fiend in the sack!"
- "It's the great hero, looking for excitement. How about you come sit on my big pointy hat?!"
- "I'd like to come 'round to your house for tea. And then I'll have your mum."
- "You seem like a very nice person. I kill nice people, you know."
- "Nice weapon you've got there. What are you, compensating for something?!"
- "I think your weapon might be bent. Oh no wait, that's you!"
To Male Heroes
- "I bet the ladies love you. You could share makeup tips and trade shoes!"
- "You look familiar. Oh yeah, I remember, you look like this girlie I used to shag!"
- "You certainly are a big, strong hero... For a lady."
- "Look at those rippling muscles, those broad shoulders, that squared jaw... You are one weird looking lady!"
- "I can tell you where there's a nice big chest of gold coins... You can use them to buy yourself some new handbags!"
- "For my money, men make the best heroes. Present company excepted, of course."
- "You really got your mother's looks. Eww."
- "The world needs a big strong man to put things right... you know any, milady?"
- "Blue is a good colour for you. Yep. You should put on a nice blue DRESS!"
To Female Heroes
- "Are you lost, milady? I can direct you to the nearest kitchen."
- "Look, it's the lady hero. You're not going to drone on about equal pay for equal work, are you?"
- "Ohh look, a young lady. Make yourself useful love and get me a cup of TEA!"
- "Sure are a lot of problems in the world. It's going to take one big, strong MAN to fix them."
- "You're going to make some man very lucky... If he likes UGLY BIRDS with no PERSONALITY!"
- "You really got your father's looks. Eww."
- "Good afternoon, milady. How about you come over here, and show me the GOODS!"
- "You remind me of my mother. SHE WAS FAT AND UGLY TOO!"
To Good Heroes
- "You are so righteous, so pure of heart. It makes me want to VOMIT! [gag]"
- "I like that halo above your head. It will come in useful when I strangle you!"
- "No one exemplifies goodness like you do. Nope. They've all got better things to do!"
- "People love a virtuous hero. You know why? Because PEOPLE are IDIOTS! I hate them."
- "You are so noble. Yeah, that's not boring."
- "Oh, noble one. Maybe you're the one who can save the world. Although, more than likely, you'll just fail miserably."
- "I can't remember the last time I came across a person as noble as you... But that's because I hang out around people that are actually INTERESTING!"
To Evil Heroes
- "You are one evil hero. What's the matter, too lazy to be good?!"
- "You've got darkness in your soul. I can smell it! Oh, no wait, I think that's your breath."
- "I knew someone more evil than you once... My gran! And all her friends!"
- "You are the embodiment of pure evil. Ask me if I give a toss!"
- "You seem like a really nice person..."
- "You're the scariest thing since... Since that chipmunk ran by ten minutes ago."
- "Not many people look good with horns. Like you, for example."
- "The eyes are the windows to the soul. So your soul must be red and freaky!"
- "That skin... Not a lot of people could pull that off. I'd like to pull it off! C'MERE!"
To Fat Heroes
- "You look like you've found a great deal of treasure... And eaten it!"
- "You remind me of a hero from long ago. Except you're a big fat version!"
- "Men and beasts alike fear you. Fruits and veg, they know they're safe."
- "A little boy threw a rock at me and broke my chin off. Maybe I can borrow one of yours?!"
- "My, what a nice dog! I'd watch your back, doggy - from the looks of it, your master eats everything in sight!"
- "People quake at your approach... because your big fat arse shakes the ground with every step!"
- "Hey, it's the big hero! The big fat disgusting morbidly obese hero."
- "I heard a prophecy once about a great hero who would come. But it didn't say anything about him being so fat."
- "You look like a nice healthy sod. You know that just means fat, right?"
- "You look tired, why don't you have a seat? Oh, I'd hate to be the ground!"
- "I like to think about puppies - about slowly, slowly crushing them."
- "Heeere doggy, doggy, come over here and die."
- "That's a nice doggy... If you like skinny little ugly RUNTS!"
- "I had a doggy once. Had him with MASH AND MUSHY PEAS!"
- "Dogs are noble, loyal and faithful. They're right tasty too!"
- "Ohhhh, I love doggies. I love throwing them into the river in a sack."
- "Oooh, look at the doggy. Looks delicious!"
- "It must be nice being able to lick your own privates. But doesn't that embarrass your dog?"
- "You stink, you mongrel. Maybe you rolled in something... Or your DOG DID!"
- "Hey doggy, play dead. And never mind the playing part!"
- "Oh look, he's wagging his tail! Maybe he's thinking about eating crap!"
When Attacking the Gnome with Magic
- "That tingles! [laugh] D-do it again!"
- "I've never had it like this. Oh, you're a naughty one!"
- "Oh yeah! Oh! Oh that's the stuff baby, yeah!"
Lionel To Brian
- Brian: "I don't underatand, why are you acting like this?"
Lionel: "[mocks] I don't underatand, why are you acting like this? Go on, cry you little baby!"
- Brian: "Everything I've done, I've done for you, for all of you!"
Lionel: "And it turned ot sooo well, oh you're a genius, you are!"
- Lionel: "You wouldn't be in this mess if you had any real friends, now would ya?"
Brian: "You stop this! Stop saying that! [whines]"
- Lionel: "Your mother!" [Says it at the beginning of the 'Gnomes are Evil!' quest after being returned.]
Brian: "You shut it. I told you never to mention her!"
- Lionel: "You're a twat!"
While in the Gnome Garden Before Quest End
- "I'm going to drown you in that bloody pond"
- "You're dead!"
- "I'm going to rip your eyeballs out!"
- "Remember this day, the last day you were ever safe!"
- "Think I'm scared? Boo whoo I am bloody terrified."
- "Your days are numbered!"
- "I'm going to figure a way out of here then I'm coming for you!"
- "This isn't the end, it is only the beginning!"
- "I'm going to bring you down on your head! Hear me?"
- "You let me go right now"
- "You're going to DIE! Everybody's going to die!"
- "I've killed for less."
- "I'll have you for this."
- "When I get out of here you are so dead!"
- "You think you can hold me here?"
- "Yep you best keep me frozen here, if I ever get free I'll stomp ya!"
- "Come over here and fight me you coward!"
- "I'm going to haunt your nightmares, and when you wake up shaking, I'll be there to kill you!"
- "I'm warning you, get me out of here or there be trouble!"
- "Go out and grab another Gnome, I'll give you an idea of where you can put it!"
Lionel's quotes at the beginning of Gnomes are Evil quest in Misgnomer House:
- "See Brian's got himself a girlfriend! Set his sights awfully low!"
- "You'll never be able to hit me up here!"
- "What you're gonna do? Shoot me? Oh-ho-ho-ho-o! I'm quaking in my little boots!"
- "This is MY house now!"
- "I'm gonna make Brian sleep out by the pond... and I'm gonna charge him rent!"
- "Ya can't touch me! No one can!"
- "You are a friend of Brian's? He's a fine fellow. Yeah-huh-huh-huh. A fine little fancy little fellow."
- "I'm not scared of you or your gun. You can just get stuffed."
- "What are you staring at?! D'you fancy little fellows with pointy hats?"
- "Do you have to shoot that gun you have, or are you just compensating for something?"
During the Gnomes are Evil quest when you shoot a gnome with your firearm and they shatter and disappear:
- "This is war!"
- "Now you've done it!"
- "You'll regret that!"
- "This is Gnome-icide!"
- "This isn't funny!"
- "What the hell?!"
- "Get stuffed!"
- "I'll have you!"
After completing Gnomes are Evil quest if you walk past the bush near the Brightwall Academy with a silver key chest behind it, a Gnome-like voice sometimes says:
- "Who said that? Couldn't have been that garden gnome."
- "Nothing out of the ordinary here."
- He/She's coming! He/She's COMING!"
- "ex-nay on the alking-tay."
- "Quiet or he/she'll smash us up!"
The Gnomes' Song
After you complete the Gnomes Are Great! quest, Brian and the gnomes will sing a ditty.
In the morning when I wake up and I stumble out of bed,
I put my pointy hat on my little pointy head.
And it doesn't much matter if the sky is rain or shine,
Because a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!
I said a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!
We said a gnome is a happy fellow almost all the time!!
Oh, I travel round the land and wherever I roam,
From the mountains in the distance to the meadows back at home,
I raise my hand and say in a loud resounding voice,
Being a gnome is awfully nice!!!
All the gnomes on the right say "pointy little hat"!!
Pointy little hat!
Pointy little hat!
And all the gnomes on the left say "two foot tall"!!
Two foot tall!
Two foot tall!
And again lads!!
This will repeat and continue until you leave town.
See Gnomes are Evil!